Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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