Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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