Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
