my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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