he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
