Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Enjoy the penises
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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