You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
