do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
This is the high leading the old right now
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
