tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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