you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
