She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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