So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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