I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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