How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
