I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
