she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
