Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My dick has a subreddit
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
