Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
