hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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