Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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