I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
