I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
