the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
