They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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