plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on