yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
