How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
