Please, let me fuck your mom
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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