We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
