I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
