turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
