Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.