he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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