i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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