His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
