sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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