I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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