I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i came on her dog
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
