Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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