it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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