it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
she woke up with a sticky ear
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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