Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
