He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
