I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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