i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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