D3 body, D1 cock
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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