The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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