I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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