I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
