There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Randomize
