he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
