Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
