i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just want nice things and good sex
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
