The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
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I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
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That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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