okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
