I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
