i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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