Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
