You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
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I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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